A Very Dursley Musical
by missmizzie
Summary: When a thin American Muggleborn from the future shows up at Privet Drive with a laptop, and a kitten, not to mention Ginny, Hermione, Fleur, and George, the Dursley's knew nothing good would come of this. They were correct. Now they have to spend two days with the intruders watching musicals about "the boy" and the world they wished to forget. Warning for racist Vernon later on.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Welcome to A Very Dursley Musical! With a new job, way too much homework, and three other stories in progress, I should not be writing another story. But this one has been in my head since I first saw AVPM this summer. Nobody else has done a story quite like this. Please give it a shot and let me know what you think.**

The American witch had her plan set. She had done all the research and knew how to use the time-key, a device created by Hermione Granger in England. She had the video's bookmarked on her laptop and knew how to explain the situation to the other witches and wizards, along with the Muggles. She left a note for her father and step-mother, which read:

_ Going out with friends. I used a magical device called a time-key which allows me to go back in time. Don't worry, I have my wand and am bringing Tiger with me. I should be back within an hour._

_ See you when I get home,_

_ Jamie_

The witch, whose name was Jamie, also known as Zie, was Muggleborn and didn't want to worry her Muggle family with the fact that she will be gone for about three days. Going through her house one last time, she grabbed an empty litter box and a small bag of kitty litter. She didn't want to leave her kitten, Tiger, home alone and she felt that the Dursley's would not appreciate cat shit on their carpets. She placed the cat supplies into her purse, which she placed an Undetectable Expansion Charm on. Tiger himself was to be placed in his carrier before they left. Zie checked once more that she had everything; laptop, clothing, cat stuff, wand, time-key. With everything in place, Zie pulled the kitten off his favorite window sill and put him in the cage. Holding the cage and time-key in her left hand, she shouldered her purse and taped the hourglass with the tip of her wand. "The hillside beyond the Burrow, 12 pm, November 29th, 2000." With little more than a crack and an angry hiss, witch and kitten were gone.

Hermione came running into the Burrow just before noon, Harry and Ron right behind her. "It worked! It worked! The time-key worked! They are being manufactured as we speak!"

Molly Weasley blinked at her before pulling the young witch into a hug. "That's wonderful Hermione! We have to celebrate!"

Ron slipped in behind his girlfriend, beaming. "Tell mum how much you're getting, Hermione."

The brunette glared at him over his mother's shoulder. "Ronald," she snapped. "That doesn't matter! Honestly!"

Smiling softly at the bickering young couple, Molly turned back to the stove. After the war, she discovered that arguing was just how Ron and Hermione communicated anything more emotionally complex than "Do you want lunch?" She has since learned to stop trying to stop their various arguments. Of course, Molly thought with a sigh, the family learned to change many things since the war.

As if on cue, Harry asked in a soft voice, "How is George?"

Molly sighed again at the mention of the remaining twin. Since Fred's death two years ago, there have been five suicide attempts. The mind healers Madam Pomfrey recommended provided little help. Not willing to have George locked up in St. Mungo's, the Weasley's have forced him to remain at the Burrow for the last five months.

Molly shook her head, clearing her thoughts. "He's doing better, Harry dear. A bit restless, maybe, but Arthur and I feel it is best for him to stay at home. For now anyway."

"I'm telling you, mum," Ginny said from behind Harry, causing him to jump at least a foot. "Let George go to the shop during the day and have him come home at night. He'll have his employees there to keep an eye on him and the customers will take his mind off … things."

"Well, yes." Stated a pregnant Fleur, who just came downstairs after putting 18 month old Victorie down for her nap. "Zat is a very good suggestion, but do you honestly think zat being at ze joke shop will take George's mind off… as you said, _things_."

Molly turned away, determined not to argue with her pregnant daughter-in-law. Ginny, however, had no issues fighting with her pregnant sister-in-law and bristled. "Well, he is bored sitting at home all day. Being at the shop will give him something to do and help him cope with things more easily."

"Do I get an opinion in my career, ladies?" George asked from the living room, where he had been throughout the conversation.

The three women flushed furiously as George raised an eyebrow and glanced at the soup his mother was cooking. Molly recovered first. "I'm sorry, dear. Will you please set the table? Lunch is almost ready."

George smiled slightly as he got the plates and silverware. Since the death of his twin, George has not used his wand, nor have any of his few smiles reached his eyes. "Just us today, mum?"

"I think so, George. Fleur, Ginny? Will you two mind helping me bring the food to the table?" Like George, Molly didn't often use magic, mainly because the physical work took her mind off Fred's death. Out of solidarity, most of the family has taken to doing things the Muggle way.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat down as George finished setting the table and the other three women put the food in the center. Molly glanced at the family clock before eating, where there was one hand was missing and four were added. The hands representing Arthur, Bill, Charlie, and Percy were all aimed at 'work', and the other eight were pointing at 'home.' She glanced at George and saw the missing thirteenth hand on a chain around his neck.

Ron, George, and Hermione were doing the dishes while Harry, Molly, Fleur, and Ginny sat in the other room talking about Harry's Auror training. Ron left his position when Hermione began explaining the time-key in detail to George, who seemed extremely interested. He sat by Fleur, who was gazing out the window, resting her hand on her stomache.

Suddenly, the French woman jumped to her feet, eyes wide. "Excuse me. Is anyone expecting company? Because zere is a young woman in ze backyard approaching ze house!"

Molly gasped in alarm as George ran into the room and looked out the window. Sure enough, there was a short woman with shoulder length brownish-red hair walking to the Burrow. She was carrying a cat carrier and a purse. Harry and Ron pulled out their wands and left the house, with Hermione not far behind.

Zie looked up to see the golden trio she grew up reading about racing towards her. Quickly, she put down the cage and her purse, before raising her hands over her head in surrender. The three came to a stop in front of the girl, wands aimed at her. "Who are you? What are you doing here?" Harry asked in a perfect Auror voice.

Zie looked at each teen in turn before addressing Harry. "My name is Jamie Mizzington. I am an American Muggleborn witch from the year 2013. I used a time-key to get here." At this, Hermione gasped in shock.

Harry glanced at Hermione before turning back to Zie. "And why are you here?"

The girl took a deep breathe. "Well, it's kind of a long story. If you don't mind, I'd prefer to do this in the Burrow so I don't have to go over it three times." The trio looked at each other before leading the American to the Burrow.

Molly and Ginny had their wands at the ready when the door opened. Glancing around wide eyed, Zie noticed that Fleur held one year old Victorie in one arm and her wand in the other. George was standing in the kitchen doorway, not holding his wand, but a butcher's knife. Zie arched an eyebrow, but said nothing about the one eared man's choice in weapon. Instead, she greeted each of the occupants by name, adding to their confusion.

Eventually everyone was seated around the kitchen table, with the Weasley's gawking at their guest. Harry nodded at the girl, who smiled and addressed the room. "Well, I'm sure you are all confused and I apologize if I alarmed anyone. My name is Jamie, but you can call me Zie. As you can tell by my accent, I am American. To be more specific, I'm a Muggleborn and come from the year 2013. I really hope I picked the correct date. Hermione, was you design accepted today?"

Startled by the American's question, Hermione nodded silently. Zie grinned at her fellow Muggleborn and pulled Tiger out of his cage. The kitten's eyes widened as he looked around the strange house, before placing his head on his owners' shoulder to look out the window behind her. Zie scratched the kitten behind his ears and continued her story. "This is Tiger, hope you don't mind. Anyway, before I get to the time-key, I guess I should give some background information. As you already know, J.K. Rowling is a squib who published stories about Harry's time at Hogwarts shortly after the war ended, which she sold in the Muggle world. I think they are up to the second book in this time. Anyway, in my time, there are seven books and eight movies. You all know the basics of the Internet, right? Good. So a few years from now, there is an American group called Starkid. They are basically a group of college students who wrote many musicals. Three of their musicals are based off of the stories and movies about Harry. A Very Potter Musical, A Very Potter Sequel, and A Very Potter Senior Year. These are basically parodies that jumble everything together in no particular order."

Here she paused to let the information sink in. After a moment, Harry groaned. "You're going to make us watch these musicals, aren't you?"

Zie laughed, moving Tiger to her other shoulder. "Not exactly. My plan is to make the Dursley's watch them."

Harry snorted loudly. "Oh, God! That will go over well! What, you're going to Privet Drive alone?"

The American grinned. "No, I was planning to bring some of you with me."

Silence met the announcement. "I'll go!" George yelled, his eyes glowing for the first time in years.

The American brunette beamed tearfully at her childhood crush; well, half of her childhood crush. "I was hoping you would! Anyone else?"

Looking around, Zie noted the raised hands. Ginny, Hermione, and Fleur. Molly said she would stay at home with her granddaughter and Harry and Ron had to return to their Auror training classes.

"Okay. Ginny, Hermione, George, and Fleur, this will take about three days. We don't have to stay at the Dursley's. Harry, Ron, Mrs. Weasley. You can feel free to stop by any time and watch with us. That goes for the rest of the Weasley's as well."

Molly smiled at the young girl and insisted she stay at the Burrow. After working out where to Disappearate to for the first time at least, the girls and George prepared their things, placing everything in Zie's purse. The five young adults were halfway out the door when Zie froze with a gasp and dug through her purse, thrusting the cat carrier into George's stomach. Out of her purse came a huge book. "Before I forget," she began seriously, pulling a Muggle pen from her bag. "Will you please sign my copy of _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_?"

**A/N: What do you think? Let me know if I screwed up Fleur's accent or anything else. Also, is Muggle capitalized? I think it is in the books but I can't be sure. Please Review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I do not own Harry Potter or AVPM. Those belong to JK Rowling and Starkid. I also do not own a kitten. I want one, but Tiger is a kitten that was once at the animal shelter where I volunteer, but he has been adopted. He will still be in the story though. Anyway, the only thing I own is ME! So enjoy the next chapter.**

Chapter Two:

"Seriously," said a voice from the backseat of the Volkswagen Beetle. "What is wrong with your car?"

With a groan, the American pulled over and turned in her seat to glare that the red headed man. "I've already explained it, George. While a German company built my car, it was built for Americans. In America, the steering wheel is on the left side, not on the right side, Hermione and I enchanted it before leaving the field so people outside of the car would think the wheel was on the right side. The last thing we need is more attention because we have an American car. Now shut up! I'm not used to driving on the left side of the road."

At this, Fleur spoke up in shock. "What? Zen way are you driving? Why can't Hermione drive? Zen we could have a proper British car."

Hermione sighed as Zie eased out onto the road again. It has been like this since they left the field. "I don't have my license, yet. I don't need to drive when I can Floo or Apparate."

Personally, Hermione felt this was an oversight on the American's part. She knew Hermione couldn't drive but she had never driven in England, she has never even been outside of America. That was something Hermione should have thought of before Zie transfigured the rock into a replica of her VW Beetle she had at home.

According to the other Muggleborn, British cars look harder to drive than American cars. So the group was now stuck with an American car and a driver uncomfortable behind the wheel. Thankfully, they only had to drive two blocks before 'breaking-down.' But those in the backseat seemed unwilling to make it a quiet journey.

"We are only two blocks away from ze Dursleys. Why do we have to drive?"

Zie answered, slightly exasperated. "Fleur, we can't just walk up to their door and invite ourselves in. We can tell them that our car broke down. Once we get in, we can get rid of the car, cuz the Dursleys will be stuck with us."

The French witch sighed, as if sitting in a car for another twenty seconds would kill her (and to be honest, with Zie driving, it just might.) Thankfully, they pulled up in front of Number 4 Privet Drive and Hermione tapped the dashboard with her wand. Instantly, the engine died and white smoke drifted out from under the hood. Grinning, the young adults all got out of the car, struggling to look miserable and helpless.

The past two years have not been kind to the Dursleys. With the wizarding war over, the three moved back into their now "Potter-Free" home. Petunia struggled to bring her garden back to perfection, Vernon went back to work, claiming that he went away to learn new management techniques. Dudley returned to school, unsure of how to tell his father that he didn't give a damn about drills and wished to go pro with his boxing.

Everything started off fine, the family went back to their normal (boring) lives. Until those damn books came out. Books that not only gave their address but also detailed the boy's first ten years of live under their roof.

Thankfully for the Dursleys, the few neighbors who read the books were satisfied with Vernon's story about how Harry took to drugs just after the move. Vernon claimed that the drugs must have affected the boy's mind and, for reasons unknown, he published his hallucinations which seemed to sell very well.

On the afternoon of November 29, 2000, Vernon and Petunia were having tea in the sitting room while Dudley was preparing to go to the gym. Coming downstairs with his gym bag, Dudley glanced out the window and saw the most beautiful woman standing beside a VW Beetle. The woman had long blonde hair and was dressed in jeans and an old fashioned men's button-down shirt. The blonde man's eyes were drawn by a flash of orange and noted two red-heads and two brunettes also standing beside the car. Turning his attention back to the gorgeous blonde, Dudley noticed for the first time that she was pregnant.

With a sigh, Dudley turned from the window and entered the sitting room. "Hey, dad. There are some people about my age out front. It looks like they are having car trouble."

Vernon's head snapped up. Their year amongst wizards only heightened his hatred for "that lot." Teens with car trouble seemed rather suspicious to him. "What do they look like, Dudders?"

Dudley raised an eyebrow, but replied. "Two brunettes, two red-heads, a man and a woman, and this hot pregnant blonde. The car is a VW Beetle."

Suddenly, the doorbell rang and Petunia ran to get it, just as alarmed as her husband. Sure enough, she opened the door to find a young blonde, one hand over her stomach, the other on the small of her back and a look of distress on her face. "Excuse me? May I pleeze use your restroom?"

"YOU WANT US TO DO WHAT?" Vernon shouted, as expected.

Zie smiled patiently. "We would like to show you all three musicals about Harry."

Vernon opened and closed his mouth, like a huge, ugly purple fish. He seemed terrified since the five introduced themselves as witches and a wizard. Knowing they were fully trained, Vernon wasn't stupid enough to piss them off.

Dudley, on the other hand, didn't seem as concerned has his father. "Why? How did you get them anyway?"

Zie turned to address him, despite the fact that Dudley had been staring openly at Fleur. "First off, Fleur is married and expecting her second child. As for your questions, these musicals are hilarious and will sort of explain what happened in Harry's life. It would definitely be faster than reading all seven books. The musicals are on my laptop; I used a magical device to come back in time from the year 2013. Now can we just watch these musicals? The sooner we start, the sooner we leave."

Vernon seemed to be taking these recent developments into consideration. Finally, he spoke. "You lot better not be expecting to spend the night!"

Fleur rolled her eyes, resting her hands on her belly. "Of course not. We will be using 'Arry's room to Apparate and Disapparate. We will also let ze others know to do so as well."

Vernon began impersonating a flounder again while Petunia looked faint. "The others," she whimpered.

George sighed. "Can we just get started?"

With no other interruptions, Zie set up Tiger's supplies with him perched on her shoulder. Finally, she pulled out her laptop and enlarged it until the screen was the size of a king sized bed.

**A/N: I guess you could say this was a filler chapter. Sorry about that. The next chapter should be up later tonight or tomorrow. Happy almost Thanksgiving to my American readers and happy Wednesday to everyone else. **


	3. Act 1 Scene 1

_**A/N: All of my author notes will be written like this from now on (it's in italics on word in case it doesn't show on FF.) Anyway, last chapter, I said I might upload tonight, I never imagined I would up load within the hour! Lucky you! **_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter (JK Rowling) or A Very Potter Musical (Starkid), nor do I own a cat (though I want to)**_

Chapter Three: Act 1 Scene 1

Vernon glared at the girl as she and her fellow freaks made themselves comfortable on his sofa (which they had also enlarged.) He and Petunia sat awkwardly on dining room chairs while Dudley sat on the armchair near the sofa. Zie beamed around the room and cued up the first video.

**(A man is sitting on a trunk in the center of the stage, dressed as a Gryffindor with crazy black hair, round glasses, and a scar on his forehead.)**

**Harry****: (singing) Underneath these stairs I hear the sneers and feel the glares of my cousin, my uncle, and my aunt. Can't believe how cruel they are and it stings my lightning scar to know they'll never give me what I want.**

Vernon growled furiously. "Spoiled freak! Gave him the necessities!" Petunia pursed her lips, but nodded.

Everyone else, including Dudley, was looking sadly at the cupboard, but turned to glare at Vernon. Tiger even hissed angrily. Vernon gulped audibly before turning back to the screen.

**I know I don't deserve all of these stupid rules made by the Dursleys here on Privet Drive. Can't take all of these Muggles but despite all my struggles, I'm still alive … I'm sick of summer and this waiting around. Man, it's September and I'm skipping this town. Hey, it's no mystery, there's nothing here for me now… I gotta get back to Hogwarts! I gotta get back to school, I gotta get myself to Hogwarts, where everybody knows I'm cool.**

The magical teens all laughed and Dudley turned to them. "Was Harry really like that?"

The five all howled with laughter. "Hell no," Hermione gasped. "He hated his fame!"

Zie grinned. "Like I've already said; this is a parody, it makes fun of pretty much everyone and everything."

George beamed. "Can't wait!"

Zie returned his smile, but wondered how he would feel towards the end.

**Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts, to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts, it's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts! Hogwarts, I think I'm going back. I'll see my friends, gonna laugh till we cry; take my Firebolt, gonna take to the sky. No way this year anyone's gonna die and it's gonna be totally awesome!**

Dudley's jaw dropped. "People have _died _in your school?"

Hermione paused, thinking before replying. "Well, during our time, Voldemort regained power. So it was much more dangerous than usual. But yes, several people died in Harry's time at Hogwarts."

Silence followed the statement. Petunia glanced around and noticed the red headed man was silently crying. His sister also noticed and held his hand as the play continued.

**I'll cast some spells with a flick of my wand. Defeat the Dark Arts, yeah, bring it on! And do it all with my best friend Ron 'cause together we're totally awesome…**

**(A man with a red wig comes out of a door. He is also dressed as a Gryffindor and is wearing a blue headband.)**

**Ron****: Yeah and it's gonna be totally awesome!**

Hermione and the Weasley's cracked up. "Zat's Ron?" Fleur gasped.

"Bloody hell! This is brilliant!" Ginny giggled.

**Ron****: (spoken) Did somebody say Ron Weasley? Woo! What's up, buddy?**

**Harry****: Hey! (they hug)**

The witches giggled. "We should make them do that!" Hermione said.

"Zat would be totally awesome!" Fleur yelled, making everyone besides Vernon and Petunia laugh.

**Ron****: Hey, sorry it took me so long to get here. I had … to go get … some … Floo Powder but, uh, we gotta get going c'mon, get your trunk, let's go.**

**Harry****: Where are we going?**

**Ron****: To Diagon Alley, of course!**

**Harry****: Cool!**

**Ron****: Come on!**

**(Both run around flapping their arms): Floo Powder Power, Floo Powder Power, Floo Powder Power!**

Even the Dursleys laughed at that, though Vernon's laughter seemed cruel. After a moment, Dudley found his voice. "I'm guessing that's not how it works." Nobody answered him.

**Ron****: (singing) It's been so long…**

**Harry****: … but we're going back!**

**Ron****: Don't go for work, don't go there for class!**

**Harry****: As long as we're together…**

**Ron****: … gonna kick some ass…**

**Both****: … and it's going to be totally awesome! This year we'll take everybody by storm, stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm!**

George bit his lip before leaning over to talk to Zie. "They sound like … me and … and… Fred." He said thickly.

Zie smiled sadly. "Remember, they are following a script. They have to sound like that."

George nodded and turned back to the screen.

**Hermione****: But let's not forget that we need to perform well in class if we want to pass our OWLs!**

Hermione gasped in horror. "That looks nothing like me!"

Ginny grinned at her friend. "Well, no. But she acts exactly like you!"

Hermione scowled and glared at her character.

**Ron****: (spoken) God Hermione, why do you have to be such a buzz kill?**

**Hermione****: Because guys, school's not all about having fun. We need to study hard if we want to be good witches and wizards. (singing) I may be frumpy but I'm super smart. Check out my grades, there A's for a start.**

"I'm not frumpy!" Hermione shrieked.

George chuckled. "Well, you don't get A's either. You're much smarter than that."

"But A's are the highest you can get." Dudley said confused.

Zie sighed. "They are using the Muggle grading system, George. In the wizarding world the highest grade is an O, Dudley. An A would be like a C in the Muggle world."

**What I lack in looks, well, I make up for in heart and well guys, yeah that's totally awesome! This year I plan to study a lot.**

**Ron****: That would be cool if you were actually hot.**

**Harry****: Hey, Ron, c'mon, we're the only friends that she's got…**

Hermione was practically in tears. "I have plenty of friends!"

Fleur nodded in sympathy. "Yes. And you look very nice, Hermione."

Zie stood up, causing Tiger to slip off her shoulder and land on George's lap, where he curled up and fell asleep. "Guys! Remember, most of this is all made up! It's supposed to be funny."

**Ron****: … and that's cool…**

**Hermione****: … and that is totally awesome!**

**All Three****: Yeah, it's so cool and it's totally awesome! We're sick of summer and this waiting around. It's like we're sitting in the lost and found. Don't take no sorcery, for anyone to see how … We gotta get back to Hogwarts! We gotta get back to school. Gotta get back to Hogwarts, where everything is magi-cool.**

"Magi-cool?" Dudley asked.

Zie rolled her eyes. "I honestly have no idea. They couldn't think of anything else to rhyme with school, I guess."

**Whole Cast****: Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts, to goblins and ghosts and to magical feast. It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts! Hogwarts, I think we're going back.**

"That's it?" Vernon asked hopefully.

Zie smiled sweetly. "No, there are about 25 or so videos for each musical. The musicals themselves are about three hours."

That being said, Vernon slumped down beside his wife as the American started the next video.


	4. Act 1 Scene 2

_**A/N: Fair warning, there will be some racist comments from the otherwise loving Vernon Dursley. If anyone feels I should add more, let me know. I am not a racist person and am afraid to come off as one.**_

_**As always, I only own myself (Zie). Everything else belongs to JK Rowling and Starkid.**_

Chapter 4: Act 1 Scene 2

**(A girl with a bright red wig comes running up to Ron.)**

**Ginny****: Ron!**

Ginny looked mortified. "Oh good Lord," she whispered. The rest of the room howled with laughter.

**You were supposed to take me to Madam Malkin's and use those sickles Mom gave you for my robe fittings!**

George blinked. "Don't they mean Mum?"

Zie rolled her eyes. "For some reason, people in America say Mom, while people in England say Mum. I have no idea why though."

**Harry****: Uh, who's this?**

**Ron****: Uh, this is stupid, little, dumb sister Ginny.**

Ginny gasped in shock. "What?"

"It's a joke, Ginny. He never said that." Zie said quickly, while struggling not to laugh.

**She's a freshman. Ginny, this is Harry.**

**Harry****: Hey.**

**Ron****: Harry Potter. This is Harry Potter.**

**Ginny****: You're Harry Potter. You're the Boy-Who-Lived.**

Dudley raised an eyebrow. "That's what they call him?"

Hermione nodded. "Yeah, and he hates it."

**Harry****: Yeah, you're Ginny.**

**Ginny****: Oh, it's Ginerva.**

Dudley snorted, causing Ginny to glare at him. "D'you have something to say, Diddy?"

**Harry****: Cool, Ginny's fine.**

**Ron****: Stupid sister. (Claps)**

**Ginny****: Aah!**

**Ron****: Don't crowd the famous friend.**

Everyone besides Vernon and Petunia laughed. "What the ruddy hell was that clap for?" Vernon growled.

Zie paused for a moment before replying. "I think it's supposed to be a stage slap. You know, we should think that Ron hit Ginny."

George snorted. "Normally it would be the other way around."

**Hermione****: Do you here music or something?**

**Harry****: Music? What are you talking about?**

**Ron****: Yeah, someone's coming.**

**Cho, Pansy, and Lavender (singing)****: Cho Chang! Domoarigato, Cho Chang! Gung hay fat, Choy Chang! Happy, happy New Year, Cho Chang.**

Ginny gawked at the screen before saying slowly, "What the fuck?"

Hermione and Fleur snickered as Dudley simply stated, "I guess that is Cho Chang," causing George to laugh.

**Ginny****: Oh, who's that?**

**Harry****: That's Cho Chang.**

**Ron****: That's the girl that Harry's totally been in love with since freshman year.**

Petunia noted that the red-headed girl scowled. _Young love,_ she thought, smiling softly before remembering that the girl was just another freak.

**Hermione:**** Yeah, but he won't say anything to her.**

**Ron****: Well, yeah, you never tell a girl that you like her; it makes you look like an idiot.**

Dudley and George thought for a moment. Dudley always thought that, but now it seemed dumb since he had a girlfriend. George had also never shared his feelings, good or bad, with anyone other than Fred. But he had to admit, life was way too short. Making a note to send an owl to Angelina later, George turned back to the screen.

**Ginny(running over to the Asian girl)****: Konichiwa Cho Chang, it is good to meet you. I am Ginny Weasley.**

**Lavender****: Bitch, I ain't Cho Chang!**

The room (even the Dursleys) howled with laughter. "Racist sister!" George mock scowled Ginny.

**Ron****: That's Lavender Brown! (claps) Racist sister!**

George was now gasping for breath. "Bloody hell! These blokes are bloody brilliant!"

**Cho****: Hey, it's all right! I'm Cho Chang y'all.**

Vernon gasped at the screen. "But … she's not Asian."

The occupants of the room glared at him. "That's the joke, dumbass." Zie snapped. "Besides, she could have been adopted."

**Harry****: She is totally perfect.**

**Ron****: Yeah, too bad she's dating Cedric Diggory though, huh?**

The witches and wizard bowed their heads, while Dudley frowned, wondering why that name sounded so familiar.

**Harry****: What? Who the hell is Cedric Diggory? What is that … who is that guy?**

**Cedric (singing)****: Cho Chang, I am so in love with Cho Chang! From Bangkok to Ding Dang, I'll sing my love aloud for Cho Chang!**

"Dipshit."

Everyone turned to Zie in shock, who blushed before continuing. "Sorry, thinking out loud. In my time when the fourth movie came out, Cedric was played by a young British actor called Robert Pattinson. He was kind of cute and not a bad actor. Anyway, a few years after that, Pattinson did another movie called Twilight. It was based off an American series about a girl who falls in love with a vampire. There were four decent books, but then there were five crappy movies. Pattinson spoke with some weird fake American accent and his co-star, Kristen Steward, could barely string a coherent sentence together. I know this is stupid, but I can't think about Cedric without being slightly revolted."

Unsure how to reply, the others returned to the play.

**Harry****: I hate that guy. I hate him.**

**Ron****: So, are we gonna go get those robes or not?**

**Ginny****: Okay, alright, I'm going!**

**Ron****: God sister!**

**(The four exit. Neville enters and bumps into Crabbe and Goyle.)**

**Goyle****: Present your arm, nerd! Indian Burn Hex!**

**Neville****: Aah!**

**Ron****: Oh, Crabbe and Goyle.**

**Ginny****: Are you okay?**

**Harry****: Hey, why don't you leave Neville alone, huh?**

Petunia smiled sadly, she had to admit that Harry was a lot like Lily.

**Goyle****: Well, well, well, if it isn't Harry Potter? You think all because you are famous, you can boss people around!**

Vernon nodded in agreement, which Ginny saw. "Harry is nothing like that!"

**Harry****: No, I just don't think it's cool for guys of your size to be picking on guys like Neville. Come on …**

**Goyle****: Oh, well you know what I think? I think glasses are for nerds! (Goyle breaks Harry's glasses) We hate nerds …**

**Crabbe****: And girls!**

"Wait a second!" Vernon snapped. "That boy is a girl."

Zie rolled her eyes. "It's a joke! God!"

**Ron****: Well, you asked for it. You don't mess with Harry Potter; he beat the Dark Lord when he was a baby.**

**Hermione****: Alright, everyone just calm down. Occulus Reparo!**

**Harry****: Whoa, cool!**

Hermione laughed. "No matter how many times I use that spell, I always get that same reaction!"

**Hermione****: Okay, now let's leave these big baby childish jerks alone.**

**Draco****: Did someone say Draco Malfoy?**

"Oh my God!"

"That's a bloody girl!"

"Zat is brilliant!"

"Does anyone still hate the musical?" Zie asked grinning.

Vernon opened his huge mouth to bitch about the musical some more but Ginny cut him off. "My character may be a whinny fan girl, but this makes up for everything!"

**Harry****: What do you want, Draco?**

**Draco****: Crabbe, Goyle, be a pair of purple doves**

"Purple doves?"

Zie sighed. "I don't know, Dudley. Just shut up and watch the damn musical."

**And go and pay for my robes, will you? So, Potter, back for another year at Hogwarts, are you? Maybe this year you'll wise up and hang out with a higher caliber wizard.**

**Harry****: Hey, listen Malfoy; Ron and Hermione are my best friends in the whole world. I wouldn't trade them for anything.**

**Draco****: Have it your way. Wait! Don't tell me; red hair, hand-me-down robes and a stupid complexion. You must be a Weasley.**

**Ron****: Oh my God, lay off Malfoy! She may be a pain in the ass, okay, but she's my pain in the ass.**

"Thanks big brother." Ginny muttered, rolling her eyes.

**Draco****: Well isn't this cute? It's like a little loser family. Hogwarts has really gone to the dogs. Luckily next year, I'll be transferring to Pigfarts.**

"Waah-hoo!" Zie shrieked, jumping into the air.

The room jumped before gawking at her. Zie shook her head but beamed proudly. "Most Muggle's think that the play writers made up Pigfarts, but it is a real school. I actually went there. Pigfarts Academy for Magical Beings, class of 2012."

Hermione blinked. "I never heard of it."

Zie grinned at her fellow Muggleborn. "It was actually developed just a few months ago this time. Classes started September 5th. It's opened for all magical beings worldwide. They have spells all over the campus so people understand each other no matter what language people are speaking. It's in Michigan."

"Zen why is it in zis Muggle Musical?" Fleur asked, the others nodding their agreement.

"Well, some members of Team Starkid actually had siblings who attended Pigfarts. I actually hung out with Lauren Lopez's (Draco Malfoy) sister. I think Joey Richter (Ron) had a brother who went there too. Anyway, some of them knew the basics, but they made it completely ridiculous. I'll explain later, let's just watch the video."

More confused than before, the others turned back to the screen.

**(Singing) This year you'll bet, gonna get out of here. The reign of Malfoy is drawing near. I'll have the greatest wizard career, it's gonna be totally awesome! Look out world for the dawn of the day, when everyone will do whatever I say! And Potter won't be in my way and then I'll be the one who is totally awesome!**

**Goyle****: Yeah, you'll be the one who is totally awesome!**

**(Choo Choo)**

**Hermione****: (Spoken) Guys, c'mon, we're gonna miss the train!**

**Whole Cast****: (Singing) Who knows how fast this year's gonna go? Hand me a glass, let the butterbeer flow…**

Dudley made a face of complete disgust. "Butterbeer?"

Zie mockingly gagged and nodded. "I know right. That's like the wizard's version of soda. I definitely prefer Pepsi."

**Harry****: (Spoken) Maybe at last, I'll talk to Cho!**

**Ron****: Oh no, that'd be way too awesome!**

**Whole Cast****: (Singing) We're back to learn everything that we can. It's great to come back to where we began and here we are and ALAKAZAM! Here we go, this is totally awesome! Come on and teach us everything that you know. The summer's over and we're itchin' to go.**

**Neville****: I think we're ready for, Albus Dumbledore!**

The Hogwarts graduates along with Fleur and Zie all smiled sadly at the mention of the deceased headmaster.

**Whole Cast****: Aaah, aaah!**

**Dumbledore****: Welllcooome! All of you to Hogwarts! I welcome all of you to school. Did you know that here at Hogwarts, we've got a hidden swimming pool?**

Dudley turned to the other young adults. "Is there really?"

Everyone laughed, leaving Dudley embarrassed and without an answer.

**Welcome, welcome, welcome Hogwarts! Welcome hotties, nerds, and tools! Now that I got you here at Hogwarts, **

George smirked. "He makes it sound like he kidnapped us."

**(Spoken) I'd like to go over just a couple of rules. My name is Albus Dumbledore and I am the Headmaster of Hogwarts. You can call me Dumbledore … suppose you could also call me Albus if you want detention. I'm just kidding, I'll expel you if you call me Albus.**

Hermione laughed. "Can you imagine if he were really like that?"

George grinned. "Oh, me and … and Fred called him Al all the time."

The girls smiled sadly back at George, while Dudley stared at him, struggling to place the other young man.

**Whole Cast****: (Singing) Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts, to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts. It's all that I love and it's all that I need at Hogwarts, Hogwarts! Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends, to …**

**Gryffindore****: Gryffindor!**

**Hufflepuffs****: Hufflepuff!**

**Ravenclaws****: Ravenclaw!**

Zie cheered for her Pottermore house. The others looked at her and she sighed. "I'll explain later."

**Slytherins****: Slytherin!**

**Whole Cast****: Back to the place where our story began at Hogwarts! Hogwarts!**

**Dumbledore****: I'm sorry, what ch'you say?**

Vernon rolled his eyes. "Don't egg them on, you old fool!"

Dudley looked at his father with an expression of concern. "Dad? You know you are talking to a laptop from the future, right?"

**Whole Cast****: Hogwarts! Hogwarts!**

**Dumbledore****: I didn't hear you kids!**

**Whole Cast****: Hogwarts! Hogwarts!**

**Harry****: Man, I'm glad I'm back!**

The room was silent, before Zie spoke up. "Well, let's cue up the next clip."

But just as she moved the curser to her favorites, there was a loud crack from upstairs, followed by footsteps on the stairs.

_**A/N: Oops. I forgot. I also kinda own the siblings I made up for Lauren Lopez and Joey Richter.**_

_**So… who do you think was on the stairs. I'll give you a hint, Harry and Ron brought two other people to join in watching the clips.**_

_**Also, I decided that Dudley will have a witch girlfriend. To keep with the racist Vernon theme, it will be a girl of a different race. I have it limited down to Cho Chang (book/movie, not the musical :D) and one of the Patil twins. Let me know who you want in the reviews.**_


	5. Act 1 Scene 3

_**A/N: Well, the semester is over, so I may have more time to write. This chapter is much longer than the others. Remember, there will be some horrible comments from Vernon in this chapter and in others to come. If anyone has any questions, let me know.**_

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or AVPM. They belong to JK Rowling and Starkid. The latter also own **__**Me and My Dick**__**, which will be mentioned in this chapter.**_

Chapter 5: Act 1, Scene 3

Vernon leapt to his feet instantly, going pale. "Who the ruddy hell is in my house?" He snapped in a not so violent voice.

"Blimey, Uncle Vernon. You've lost your touch." Turning to the stairs, they saw Harry Potter himself with Ron just behind him.

"BOY!" Vernon roared. "HOW DARE –" At that point Vernon noticed seven wands aimed at his face and heard more footsteps on the stairs. Dudley bravely shoved past his father and smiled almost shyly at his cousin. "Harry. How have you been?"

Harry looked slightly shocked but recovered quickly. "I've been fine. I'm actually training to become an Auror, a wizard cop."

Zie cut the tension with a shout of laughter. They all turned to her. "Third musical."

"Where are you at now?"

Five of the wands moved to the blonde man at the base of the stairs. "Malfoy," Ginny growled.

"Now, honestly! Is this really necessary?" Questioned McGonagall, coming down the stairs. She had been stricken ill a week ago and was forced to take a month away from Hogwarts while Professor Flitwick took over as Headmaster.

Zie took charge, again. "Everyone, chill out. Everything is kind of explained in the musicals."

That said, she duplicated the sofa and sat on the original, along with Draco, McGonagall, Harry and a wary Ginny. As the next scene began, Zie noted that Tom Felton is (will be?) way hotter than the real Draco Malfoy.

**Dumbledore****: Yes, yes, welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts and a very special welcome to my favorite student, Mr. Harry Potter.**

McGonagall smiled sadly at the memory of her old friend. "Potter, while Albus was rather fond of you, he had no favorite student."

**Ron****: Woo! Woo!**

**Dumbledore****: He killed Voldemort when he was just a baby; he's even got that lightning scar on his forehead to prove it. And another very special welcome to our newest edition to Gryffindor, Mr. Ginny- excuse me, Ms. Ginny Weasley.**

Ginny turned a nasty shade of red.

**Ron****: Boo, boo.**

Ginny threw a shoe at her brother. "Ouch! Gin, it wasn't me!"

**Ginny****: Yeah, I'm a girl and, um, also, aren't we supposed to be sorted by the Sorting Hat?**

**Dumbledore****: Well, um, a funny thing happened to the Sorting Hat. He actually got hitched with another piece of enchanted magical clothing. So he and the Scarf of Sexual Preference aren't going to be back until next year.**

George's eyes nearly popped out of his skull. "Minnie, you will be receiving a written request for one of those in one weeks' time."

McGonagall turned slowly to George. "Mr. Weasley. My name is Minerva and there will never be a Scarf of Sexual Preference at Hogwarts! Make one yourself and sell it in your joke shop!"

George paused for a moment. That was a good idea. It could be the first new product since … in over two years. Fred had always come up with the ideas; George just did the planning and most of the building. Perhaps now it was time for a change.

**Basically, I've just been putting anybody who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anybody who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin, and the other two can just go where ever the hell they want, I don't really care.**

Draco scowled, "That's not right."

McGonagall nodded at the young man. "Not to worry, Mr. Malfoy. That is not how it works."

**Cedric****: Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders.**

Ron blinked. "What?"

Zie snickered at the old joke. "No idea, but for some reason it is hilarious."

**Dumbledore****: What the hell is a Hufflepuff?**

Everyone laughed except Vernon and McGonagall, who scowled at the teens.

**Anyway, it is time to introduce my very good friend and our own potions Professor, Mr. Severus Snape.**

**Ron****: Ah man, not Snape, I hoped they fired that guy. **

**Ginny****: Why, what's wrong with Professor Snape.**

**Ron****: Ah nothing, he's just, uh, evil.**

Petunia even cracked up. This clearly matched every childhood memory she had of the man.

**Harry****: Come on Ron, he's not that bad. (Enter Snape.)**

Again, everyone besides Vernon howled with laughter. "He hasn't changed a bit!" Petunia gasped, much to the horror of her husband.

**Snape****: Harry Potter, detention.**

**Harry****: What?**

**Snape****: For talking out of term.**

Harry grinned, " Definitely Snape."

**Now, before we begin, I'm going to give you all your very first pop-quiz. Can anyone tell me what a Port key is? Ah yes, Miss Granger.**

**Hermione****: (speaking quickly) A Port-key is an enchanted object that when touched will transport the one or ones that touch it to anywhere on the globe decided upon by the enchanter.**

Hermione blushed as everyone gawked at her. McGonagall smiled at her. "Excellent, Miss Granger!"

**Snape****: Oh very good … now can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is? Yes, Miss Granger?**

**Hermione****: Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned early in the story to return later in a more significant way.**

**Snape****: Perfect!**

**Ron****: What's a Port-key again? I missed that one.**

Hermione rolled her eyes. "Typical," she murmured, causing Ron to smile sheepishly.

**Hermione****: Oh, a Port-key is something that –**

**Ron****: Not you, oh my God.**

Hermione whacked Ron upside the head and stalked over to the other couch, squeezing herself between Harry and Zie.

**Hermione****: -when you touch it, it will transport you anywhere.**

**Snape****: And remember a Port-key can be any sort of seemingly harmless object like a football or a dolphin.**

Dudley blinked and glanced at the … magic people, who were smirking. Assuming a dolphin could not be a Port-thing, he turned back to the screen.

**Lavender****: Professor, can like a person be a Port-key?**

**Snape****: No, that's absurd. If that person were to ever touch themselves (looks at Ron)**

Everyone besides Ron burst out laughing. Even Vernon, which seemed perverse.

**They would constantly be transported into different places. A person can, however, be a Horcrux.**

The laughter died out instantly and the atmosphere in the room became solemn, worrying the Dursleys.

**Harry****: What's, uh, what's a Horcrux?**

**Snape****: I'm not even going to tell you Harry, you'll find out soon enough.**

Dudley bit his lip. Did this mean that Harry was one of those Horcrux things?

**Hermione****: Professor, what is the point of this quiz?**

**Snape****: Oh no, no, no point in particular, just important information that everyone should know; especially you (looks at the audience.) Now, moving right along there are four houses in all : Gryffindor,**

**Gryffindors****: Woo!**

**Snape****: Ravenclaw,**

**Ravenclaws****: Ow!**

**Snape****: Hufflepuff,**

**Cedric****: Find!**

**Snape****: What? And Slytherin.**

**Slytherins****: Yessss!**

The ex-students laughed. "Min- Minerva, you should get the students to do that every time their house is mentioned!"

McGonagall smiled at George but didn't reply.

**Snape****: Now, traditionally points are given for good behavior and deducted for rule breaking. Example, 10 points from Gryffindor!**

**Gryffindors****: What? Why?**

**Snape****: For Miss Granger's excessive baby fat.**

**Harry & Ron****: Thanks Hermione.**

Hermione gasped and turned to McGonagall with an accusing expression. "Not to worry, Miss Granger. Teachers cannot do that."

Nodding, the young woman turned to glare at Harry and Ron, who began to coward.

**Snape****: Traditionally, the House with the most points at the end of the year would win the House Cup. However, this year we're doing things a bit differently. Here to introduce it is our new professor of the Dark Arts, Professor Quirrell.**

**(Enter a man wearing a turban and an extra-large cloak, which concealed Voldemort.)**

The room howled with laughter once again. Vernon and Petunia looked slightly confused, as they have not read the books; they had no idea why two men would be under one cloak. Well, Vernon had an explanation. "Fags."

Lucky for him, the others were too busy laughing to hear him.

**Harry****: Ow! Ah, ow!**

**Quirrell****: The House Cup, a time honored tradition. For centuries –**

**Draco****: Go home terrorist! (looks around innocently.)**

Again, everyone laughed. "Brilliant! You should be like this more often, Malfoy!" Ron gasped.

Draco blinked, "Who says I'm not?"

An awkward silence followed.

**Quirrell****: For centuries, the four Houses of Hogwarts have competed for the honor and glory of holding the title of House Champion. But where does this competition come from and what are the roots of the tradition?**

Hermione looked horrified. "It sounds like the Triwizard Tournament." She whispered.

**Hermione****: The House Cup tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students.**

**Quirrell****: That was a rhetorical question.**

**Dumbledore****: Granger, quit interrupting. Twenty points from Gryffindor.**

The British brunette scowled. "Thank God he wasn't really like this."

**Ron****: Thanks Hermione.**

**Quirrell****: As I was saying, when the tournament first originated it was of a completely different sort. One champion from each of the four houses would complete a series of dangerous tasks and challenges. The winner would not only win the Cup, but would also win eternal glory.**

**Hermione****: Kind of like a House Cup or … no … like a Triwizard Tournament.**

**Quirrell****: Yes, sort of like the Triwizard Tournament except no, not like that at all. There are four houses, how could it be the Triwizard Tournament with four teams?**

Those who knew what happened in Harry's fourth year glanced at him. Aware that he was being watched, Harry pulled the kitten onto his lap to seem busy.

**Hermione****: Well, uh, Professor, if I remember correctly, the House Cup Tournament was disbanded after one semester when one of its students was killed during the first task.**

**Quirrell****: Yes, it is very dangerous, but the awards far outweigh the risks.**

**Hermione****: No, I don't think you heard me, I just said somebody died!**

**Dumbledore****: Hermione Granger, shut your un-Godly, lopsided mouth and quit interrupting, twenty more points.**

"What?" Hermione shrieked. "If anyone has a lopsided mouth, it's that guy who plays Ron!"

Zie snorted loudly, remembering a certain line in "Me and My Dick."

**Harry & Ron****: Thanks Hermione!**

**Dumbledore****: God, for the cleverest witch of your age, you can be a dumbass sometimes. Ten points for Dumbledore.**

The room laughed as Hermione pouted.

**Quirrell****: Yes, yes well, it will be very dangerous but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come. And as the Professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts, I believe that this practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to –**

**Voldemort****: Achoo!**

Fleur raised an eyebrow. "Really? I doubt zat actually 'appened."

Ginny rolled her eyes at her sister-in-law. "No Fleur, that didn't actually happen."

The French witch glared at the ginger witch. "'Ow would you know? Were you zere?"

Harry gripped his girlfriend's arm as she made to stand and duel the blonde woman right there.

**Dumbledore****: Did your turban just sneeze?**

**Quirrell****: Wh-what? No.**

George smirked, "That sounds more like Quirrell."

**Dumbledore****: I could have just sworn I heard a sneeze coming from your direction, but your mouth wasn't moving.**

**Quirrell****: No, no that- that was simply a fart, excuse me.**

The girls and Vernon rolled their eyes as the boys and Zie laughed.

**Voldemort****: Achoo!**

**(Quirrell and Voldemort fall onto Harry's lap)**

**Harry****: Ow, ow, ow, ow! Oh, Holy Jesus, oh my God … ow!**

Ron raised an eyebrow. "Take it down a notch, mate."

**Voldemort****: Achoo!**

**Quirrell****: I simply farted once more.**

"What the hell did you eat mate?" Draco sneered (hey, some things never change.)

His peers looked rather shocked before cracking up.

**Dumbledore****: In accordance to the newly resurrected House Cup, a champion from every house will be selected to compete! So, Snape, will you do the honors for me?**

**Snape****: Yes Headmaster. First, from the Ravenclaw House, Miss Cho Chang.**

**Cho****: Oh ma God I won, I can't believe it y'all!**

**Snape****: Next from Hufflepuff, Mr. Cedric Diggory.**

**Cedric****: Well, I don't **_**find**_** this surprising at all.**

Harry sighed. This wasn't going to end well.

**Cho****: I find it perfect, now I can spend more time with my beloved boyfriend.**

**Cedric****: I'm glad as well, my darling. (Kisses her head)**

Zie shook her head. "I wish Twilight ended like this will." Everyone in the room decided to ignore her, including Tiger.

**Snape****: Next, from the Slytherins, Draco Malfoy.**

**Draco****: Ha, ho! I finally beat you, didn't I Potter? What do you think of that, huh? I'm the champion this time!**

Ron smirked, "What a bitch."

Draco blushed while the others howled.

**Dumbledore****: Draco, would you sit down you little shit, champion's just a title.**

**Snape****: And finally, from the Gryffindor House, oh my. Well, isn't this curious? The one person in all of Hogwarts whom I have a well-known grudge against is suddenly in a tournament where he may very well lose his life …**

**Neville****: If-if it's me, I'll just apologize to my fellow Gryffindors right now, for losing-**

The golden trio smiled at each other. "The sad thing is, Neville used to be like that." Harry said.

Hermione laughed. "Thank God that changed!"

**Snape****: Sit down you inarticulate bumble, it's Harry Potter.**

**Ron****: Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!**

Harry rolled his eyes, "Why couldn't you have been like this when it actually happened?" He asked Ron, who mock glared at him.

**Dumbledore****: Well, here they are folks, the four Hogwarts champions. I want all of you to start preparing immediately because the first task is in two months and it could be anything. So let's get to it!**

Dudley snorted, "That's helpful."

Harry smiled awkwardly at his cousin. "Sad thing is, that's pretty much exactly what happened."

**Students****: Cho Chang! Cho Chang! Cho Chang!**

**Draco****: Malfoy! Malfoy! Mal-hey …**

Ron snorted. "Poor Malfoy."

As the blonde wizard glared at the red one, Vernon let out a yell of fury. Following his glance, the rest of the room saw two owls at the window. A beautiful brown owl belonging to Harry called Grimmauld and of course Ron's insane owl Pigwidgeon. Zie stood and opened the window, letting in the owls. The brown one sat on Tiger's back, who was used to his owners friend's owls doing the same thing and didn't seem to mind. Pig continued to fly around the room loudly.

After a moment, George snatched the little grey owl out of the air. "I have a letter to send. Ron, is it okay if I borrow him?"

Ron nodded, "Yes, and please tell him to go back to the Burrow."

Laughing at his younger brother, George carried the small grey owl into the kitchen, followed closely by Grimmauld who clearly wanted to be sure that the crazy little owl actually left. Dudley suddenly stood up and mumbled something about using the bathroom.

George had just fished out a piece of parchment from his pocket and was rummaging for a quill when Harry's cousin walked in. The blonde stood awkwardly in his own kitchen, studying the owls for a moment before speaking. "Mind if I borrow one?"

The red head gawked at the Muggle boy who tormented his little brother's friend for years, the one who supposedly feared magic like his parents. "Er… why?"

The other man shuffled his feet, sparing George an uncomfortable glance before turning back to the brown owl. "I want to write to my girlfriend. She's … er … a witch. We've been talking my way, you know, the Muggle way, for a year now. I have no access to owls, you see."

George blinked, before deciding to save the younger man anymore discomfort. "Of course. Take Grimmauld, the brown one."

Dudley sighed in relief and grabbed the notepad by the phone and two pens, handing one to George who had returned to attacking his pockets. The wizard studied the pen in fascination, causing the Muggle to smirk. "It's like one of your quills, except the ink is inside of it."

After that, the two men wrote their letters in silence. Both finished at the same time and folded them. As George helped Dudley tie the letter to Grimmauld's leg, he turned to the Muggle. "So, who is your girlfriend? How did you two meet?"

Dudley bit his lip. "Er … well … I'd rather wait a bit. You see, I invited her over to watch the musicals with us and I'd rather tell everyone in one go, you know?"

George nodded in understanding. "I get it mate. Sort of like how I told the family about Angelina and myself. She used to date … my brother."

The blonde smiled. "Bet that was awkward."

Instead of answering, the wizard opened the window and tossed his owl into the yard.

_**A/N: So, once again, I need help deciding who will be Dudley's witch girlfriend. The candidates are Cho Chang and one of the Patil twins. If there are any other suggestions, you can let me know in a review. Angelina and the winning witch will appear in a later chapter as soon as I decide who she is and how she and Dudley met. Again, please review to vote, comment, or critic (just be nice about it.)**_


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